I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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