I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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