I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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