The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
