I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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