I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
