I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
as a side note pls kill me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
