even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
