How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
