Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
