she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
