Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
