Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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