I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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