; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
