guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
