I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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