I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
