I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
