Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
