I wannas sexs uuuuu
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My day in three words: secret purse cake
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
