Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
