our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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