Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
