I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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