alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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