sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
