i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
