You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
