I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
