I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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