ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
