Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
