how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
