One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
