I just cut my nipple shaving
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
