i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
