yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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