sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just pee around me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
