I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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