I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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