Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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