I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
