how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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