you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
