I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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