just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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