Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
