Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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