When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Randomize
