Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
